Garret Mathews is retired from writing the metro column for the Evansville, Ind., Courier & Press. He penned more than 6,500 columns in a career that began in 1972. Mathews lives in Carmel, Ind., and happily babysits his new grandson four days a week.
News item: At some corporations, young urban professionals too busy with careers and stock portfolios to follow sports have hired consultants to brief them on the subject so they can make good impressions on clients who follow bats and balls.
Look no more. I’m your guy.
I know crackback blocks, the low block and how to put on a jock without tripping over the straps.
I know blitz packages, bloop singles and which layer of the outer atmosphere an ammonia capsule will send your head into.
I know resin bags, tight ends, high-sticking, fair catch, double-headers, pass interference, possible concussion – must I go on?
It’s a perfect fit.
You’ve spent your lives wearing trendy clothes, and being seen at all the right places with the dream of earning enough money to buy a gold-encrusted crown to put on your iPod.
I’ve spent mine wearing dirty sweatsuits, and watching sports on television with the dream of earning enough money someday to afford a six-pack of the beer advertised at halftime.
For a one-time fee of $5,000, I’ll provide all the information you need to fool sports fans into thinking you’re one of them.
It starts with slang.
I’ll be your teacher as you learn “beanball,” “shooting the rock,” “throwing aspirin tablets,” “foot in the bucket,” and my favorite hockey expression for a player who suffered a blow to the face that caused him to lose teeth – “spitting Chiclets.”
I know you yuppies. You’ll want to talk about debenture, convertible bonds and hedge funds.
Not in my class.
I require total concentration. You give me mortgage-backed securities and I’ll high-stick your cranium.
Guys who are into sports like to throw out names. Koufax. Drysdale. Ozzie. Stan the Man. Elway. Unitas. Ditka.
I’ll give you some names of your own.
Wally Moon. Jerry Lumpe. Marty Keough. Spider Lockhart. Del Shofner. Babe Parelli.
Your fellow money-grubbers will be amazed that you know some of the lesser lights who haven’t had car dealerships named for them.
At the very least, they’ll worship you. With any luck, they’ll share insider information that will make you even richer.
Important note: If this happens, I’ll require a special bonus of lifetime free sports cable.
Finally, you’ll learn strategy.
I’ll impart the following: When to ice the shooter. When to blitz. How a wide receiver pretends to be unconscious so the referee will stop the clock. The proper antidote to administer when an ammonia capsule is mistakenly put into your Seven and Seven.
Other sports consultants are mere pretenders.
For no extra charge, I’ll take you into a real locker room for bonus instruction.
You’ll get personal insight into how to snap a towel at another man’s private parts. How to apply a pink belly. How to undress slowly after a game so you get to shower alone.
Don’t delay, yuppies. Call today before a bloop single costs you a commission.
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